Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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