Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
