Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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