I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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