I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
