She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
