On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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