I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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