sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
