i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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