I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
