Someone shit on the floor
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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