k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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