When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
