Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
