Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
