every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
