Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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