Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
