God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
