what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I forget how to act sober
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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