She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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