Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my being single is dangerous.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
