Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
