I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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