Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can vaginas get frostbite?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
