I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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