Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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