my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
