Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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