Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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