I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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