I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
