woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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