I think scott just propositioned me for sex
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
