she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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