I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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