my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
