my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
