Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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