Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
