after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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