It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
