Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
