I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
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