Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
