You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
