is your mom at the bar?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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