I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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