Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
