You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
