I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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