okay pat passed out under dana's car
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just high enough for therapy.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
