Sacagawea was the original milf.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
