I hate all girls vehemently.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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